Here! Learn this!

I am completely exhausted. I don’t think I’ve had a real night of sleep in a couple of weeks. And every day I know that I still have to get up and function. It is so difficult. I worked 9 hours today and I have to work 9 hours tomorrow. I don’t even know how I make it through the day. 

It’s been snowing for what feels like forever. Which is bad for me. Maybe I should move somewhere warm. Every time it snows I feel like my body is going to explode. I can hardly believe I made it through the whole day today. I was having an allergy attack and the snow was making my whole body ache so bad I had to run to the bathroom to puke. 

I am really not doing well. And as depressing as it sounds (I swear I’m not suicidal), sometimes it’s hard not to wish that this condition was fatal. The things I go through every day are so impossible that the will power it takes to make it through just one day could probably provide electricity to the USA for a whole day. I’m not even joking. The number of days that it would be so much easier to spend in bed, outweighs the days that are otherwise by like, a bazillion to one. 

Today all I could think about while I was at work was that I could come home and climb into bed and sleep for the rest of the night. Then I got home and I got a text from the people that I rent my room from saying that there was piano music on the piano for me. They had asked me a couple of weeks ago to accompany them on the piano while they sang. I agreed to it knowing that I would have at least a couple of weeks to practice and perfect it. And since I hadn’t heard anything back about it, since they were still trying to find a song right at first, I just assumed that they had found some other way to do their piece. Not so much. They gave me 3 days to learn this piece of music to be able to perform it perfectly in front of probably 100 people along with them singing to it. Not cool. It’s so inconsiderate to do that to someone! I mean, I’ll be fine, but at the same time: 3 days of notice that you need to learn some piano piece well enough to perform it is just rude. Whatever. I’m going to rock their socks off. 

I think I will go practice a couple more times then come back upstairs and pass out. I am so exhausted. And I still have to function tomorrow. 

 

Happy thought: I got an electric blanket for Christmas. 

Smiling to keep away the tears

I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. After a long, painful, stupid relationship it’s finally over. And it has been a long time since I have felt more alone in the world. But I needed to do this for me. I need to know that I am a beautiful person not only on the outside but on the inside too. That people don’t want to be with me just for my outsides. That they want to be with me for all of me. 

I think somewhere deep down inside I know that it’s not just the way I look. But I need to feel like I am beautiful without all the make up and nice clothes. And only “me, myself and I” can make me feel that way. So I’m going to spend a lot of time working on that. Knowing that I’m ok to be alone. And I don’t need to stay in a bad relationship to know that someone wants me. Because as long as I am here for me, that’s all I need. 

I think I’ve made it through the whole day without shedding an actual tear. It’s taking a lot fighting. But why should I cry over something that was only hurting me? And others. 

I am a beautiful person without some stupid boy to tell me that I am. I don’t need anyone but myself because I’m the only one that will always be here for me. As long as I’m happy with myself, I can do and be whatever I want. Nobody else can make me who I am. If I’m not happy with myself, only I can fix that. Why should I rely on anyone else? 

A new beginning starts today. With me in control. 

 

Happy thought: Tomorrow is a new day. 

The pain is always there for me.

Today, on the bus home from work, after a day full of pain, I was sitting with my knees crossed. Suddenly there was a jolt of pain so intense that I thought I was going to lose the small amount of food I had eaten all over the floor and seats in front of me. For the rest of the bus ride and the quarter of a mile walk home, I fought the nausea. And the pain. Told myself that I was fine while I whimpered and panted because I refused to cry.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty great. Took a long hot shower and got dressed. Looked hot as hell too. The best part about that is that if I look sexy I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I’m fine and it seems to make it a little more true. But not today. As the day progressed, everything I had felt in the morning slowly, gradually evaporated, as if it had never existed. All the good feelings. 

My entire body slowly fell into the hell that I call my life with fibromyalgia. I sat in that torture chair at work and told my mind not to feel my legs or my lower back. To go into my state of numbness that I have to exist in to keep me sane. 

I stayed later at work than usual. I helped a woman that showed up right as we were closing. I expected it to be a short request. It ended up taking me an extra ten minutes. Which means I missed the bus I usually take and had to sit in the cold for an extra ten to fifteen minutes. Which means the pain got worse. And by the time I got home, when all I wanted to do was go up to my room and curl up in bed and try to not throw up from the pain, the people that I rent my room from were already home. And ambushed me and made me talk to them. 

And to top it off, Austin decided that he was to tired to see me today. He doesn’t understand. The poor baby only got 3 hours of sleep last night. He doesn’t understand that I do that on a regular basis. He doesn’t understand how much it hurts when he just decides that he’s too tired or too angry or too upset to see me. He has no compassion for my condition. After I sent him a three page text telling him about my shitty, painful day, he sends me a text that says: “): go to bed”. Thanks for that great advice Austin. I guess since I’m not seeing you tonight I can do that. Except that I don’t sleep. And that even if I do try to sleep, it doesn’t do anything or change anything. But it’s not just that he doesn’t know. It’s that he doesn’t even bother to try to find out more. He knows so little about me it’s ridiculous.

Oh my god, I think I’m going to puke. 

Gonna go to sleep now. I have work tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t be another shitty day. 

 

Happy thought: My boss finally acknowledged that I exist other than to tell me that I’m doing stuff wrong. 

Pie.

Brief is my middle name today. When sharing a piece of chocolate pie, the more appropriate way to eat it is not to eat all of the whipping cream off of the top and then try to force-feed the leftovers to your sharing partner. 

OK. I might have been a little angry. OK, really angry. Totally inappropriate amounts of anger. But they were there. Not sure why. Confused.

Then after the fight and make up, I went to text him and accidentally texted my mom, “Hi babe.” which of course lead to a very interesting conversation. My brain is not functioning the way it is supposed to be today. 

Christmas lights no longer hold the same appeal. Especially because I’ve never liked the cold. And Christmas lights are covered in cold. 

Apologies if this made no sense at all. Brain? Hello? 

 

Happy thought: It should start warming up again in about 4 or 5 months. YAY for ridiculous amounts of optimism. 

Ummmmm…. Brain dead. And hungry.

I don’t really have much to write. Finals are over! Wahoo! Hmmmm…. Feeling a little brain dead at the moment. It has been a long two days. But now that they are over I feel slightly… lost? I still have work to keep me busy and because I work at the registrar’s office which they decided to make an extension of the graduation office, I get to work at graduation. Joy. It won’t be as bad as sitting in that terrible office chair for 6 hours after taking a giant test though. 

Today at work I was sitting in my chair, waiting for the phone to ring and someone to ask some question (90% of the time is “How do I get a copy of my official transcript?” and I now sound very robotically scripted when I answer… the exact same thing… every time.) But the big people in the office had a meeting, which was more like a feast in my opinion, but they had a lot of extra food which us starving college students were more than happy to take care of. Being one of those starving college students, I was even willing to eat the pumpkin pie, which I have never liked. And it was delicious! 

I keep hearing about all this healthy eating that people do for their fibromyalgia. And I want to try it! But not having a car to go to the store with unless I force my boyfriend to take me puts a damper on things. Another problem is that, I don’t really have a kitchen I feel comfortable using. Nor the time and energy to use it. Perhaps if I felt comfortable using the kitchen I would feel more motivated. Maybe not. Who knows? But recently, I have been STARVING!!!! When I am at work, all I can think about is food. And maybe I’m just bored. Or maybe I’m really sick of Ramen. But I’m hungry all the time! Which I guess is a good thing because I’m still kind of trying to overcome my high school anorexia. (The psychological effects are still there.) 

In high school I would skip lunch originally, because the food was gross and if it was supposed to be warm it was cold and tough and basically disgusting. Then I realized that if I skipped lunch, nobody noticed, and I also saw that I got thinner. Take into account that I was 5’4″ and weighed 100 lbs. I became obsessed. I skipped every meal I possibly could without people noticing. It got bad. I would lie and tell my mom that I had breakfast before I left for school and skip lunch then I would only eat a tiny bit at dinner and tell them that I wasn’t that hungry. It became a big problem. I never became super ridiculously thin. I only did it when I felt I needed to to maintain a very slim figure and low weight. When I finally realized what I was doing (I had never thought of it as anorexia. Just as a kind of diet I guess. Actually, I never really even thought about what I was doing.) I made a conscious effort to stop. I even was brave enough to tell my best friend Darby so that she could help me. But never my parents. 

Now I eat basically whenever I am hungry, with food available. Thankfully, with my fast metabolism I can eat whenever I want and whatever I want and not really worry about my weight. But I need to form better habits. And I want to eat healthier. So I’m going to try.

 

Happy thought: Christmas lights. (: oh, and finals being OVER! 

Finals. Oh boy.

My stress levels are THROUGH THE ROOF! I have three huge finals in the next three days and I do not feel prepared at all. I’ve studied and studied and worked on my projects for my french class but I still don’t feel like I will do ok. The sad thing is that I know that I’ll do fine. And these finals aren’t really THAT big of a deal considering that I did alright on all of my other assignments throughout the classes. But that just doesn’t help. 

For my french class I have a presentation where I am supposed to speak for 5 minutes on “La Belle et La Bête”. And then I have a 2 page composition due on the same topic. That’s my biggest stress. I am in a class with fluent french speakers that grew up speaking french. I did not so I feel completely inadequate in comparison. Ah well. C’est la vie.

As far as my fibromyalgia goes, it hasn’t been nearly as bad today. A few small aches but not as bad in comparison to the rest of my week. My back is the worst. Along with the aches where I’ve had broken bones. It snowed last night though so I’m very surprised I’m not crying in pain. 

The worst is the cold though. At the moment I have my down comforter and my very warm sweaters (that are really men’s sweaters, and I’m not afraid to admit it. They are always more comfortable) and I’m sitting in front of the heat vent in my room. As far away from the thin window as possible. I’m always cold and it makes the aches worse.

I’m excited to start an exercise routine. I’m looking around for a pool to work out in that isn’t cold. I think that’s the best way to begin. I’m not in very good shape considering that I always thought it was the exercise making it worse, when now I think that it was just the amount and kind of exercise I was doing. I can’t wait to being the toned, sexy girl I used to be. Should help with the stress too.

I just have always hated the thought that I have to exercise like an old lady. I was always the fastest, strongest and fittest. But I guess I’m going to have to suck it up now. No more overdoing it. 

I’m also going to go to the grocery store and buy fruits and vegetables, which are expensive because it’s winter, but should hopefully help as well. It’s good that I’ve always loved my fruits and veggies. 

 

Happy thought: Hopes for improvement! (: